In December I mentioned that I fainted during "Black Swan." A lot of people have asked me if it's really that gory or scary. It's not, really. Both "True Grit" and "The Fighter" were more violent, but I stayed seated upright throughout both of them. It's hard to explain why "Black Swan" disturbed me so much. It was dark and claustrophobic and creepy, what with Nina's mother (Barbara Hershey) winding Nina's music box and tucking her in at night, with Nina (and us) unable to tell what's real and what's not, and therefore knowing anything can happen, the self-inflicted violence, mirror images moving on their own . . . . Trust me, it's creepy.
But the scene in the lobby of the Arena Grand Movie Theatre in Columbus, Ohio was pretty funny. Normally when I get faint in a movie (and yes, it has happened before) I have the good sense not to get out of my seat. (Though as I recall I was escorted to the bathroom in the Reiss science building at Georgetown on Halloween 1981 by a nursing student when a hospital scene in "The Exorcist" involving the insertion of a needle into Linda Blair's neck made me lightheaded, leading to some alarm when I saw myself in the bathroom mirror, having forgotten I was dressed like Keith Richards, dyed black hair and excessive eyeliner and all. And the last time I almost fainted I was on crutches and under strict orders not to put any weight on my just-operated-on leg, so did not try to navigate the stadium seating stairs in the dark.) Anyway, in "Black Swan" I got hot, and nauseated, and lightheaded, but hadn't heard the fatal szhuszhing noise in my ears yet, so decided it was wise to step into the lobby and get some air. I didn't tell Dubliner, who just assumed I went to the rest room, as he had done earlier in the movie.
I stepped out into the lobby, realized I wasn't fit to walk, and noticed that people were giving me a wide berth as I staggered toward them. Unfortunately, there was no place to sit in the lobby, so I approached the ticket counter and asked if there was some place I could sit. Next thing I knew I was flat on my back with my eyes closed. I thought, vaguely, "Am I at home in bed, dreaming this, or am I in that movie theater in Columbus that I vaguely recall from some time ago?" I then noticed someone was holding my hand, and people were hovering above me talking about me. I knew they wanted me to open my eyes, but all I could think was "I am so comfortable." But I did open my eyes, and the kind people seeing to me got me to my feet. Then the paramedics arrived, which is when my horror story turned into a sitcom. (There were 3 paramedics at this point, though I can't remember who said what.)
Paramedic 1: Ma'am, do you know what caused you to pass out?
Me: It was the content of the movie.
Paramedic 1: Disney movie?
Me: [Laughing] It was the ballet movie.
Paramedic 2: Too many pliés?
Paramedic 1: Look at you with the ballet terminology.
Paramedic 2: [Defensively] My daughter does ballet.
Then a fourth paramedic came to take my blood pressure. When he started taking the cuff off one of the other guys said "it's okay?" And the cuff guy said "No, I couldn't get a reading."
Whaaaaaaat?
When Dubliner came out to the lobby 10 or 15 minutes after I left the theater, the paramedics were gone, as was security, who arrived afterward. (This led my sister to wonder whether this whole story was an example of Münchausen syndrome.) Dubliner informed me that he made his earlier trip to the men's room to splash water on his face. There's some comfort in knowing it runs in the family.
Sunday night, think of me stretched out on the floor when Natalie Portman wins her best actress award. I'm sure there are several Arena Grand employees who will.
Great story MB. I didn't know you were blogging. I'll have to follow you. Personally, I thought Black Swan was just plain silly. They lured me in by billing it as a pyscho-sexual thriller. Pyscho, yes. But neither (terribly) sexual or thrilling. If it weren't for the kids giving us an early deadline and bedtime, we'd have seen True Grit.
Posted by: Trey Hanbury | March 07, 2011 at 09:37 PM
Trey -- I thought True Grit was a better movie, but you've got to hand it to Black Swan for having such a dramatic effect on me. I think. Reminds me of Bill Murray's "saw it on a small screen in Canada" non-review.
http://www.mbpalaver.com/mbpalaver/2007/02/moviepalaver_th.html
Posted by: MB | March 15, 2011 at 07:16 PM